I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
