i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My vagina just recognized that song.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
