I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
