i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
