My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
