Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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