Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
