Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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