forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
