I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
