to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
