Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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