Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
