I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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