your parents love me but you hate me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize