Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
