the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
