I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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