So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
