I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
