You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Acid is not a monday night drug
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
