I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
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I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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