I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
