How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
