I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she smelled like a LAN party
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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