I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
