I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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