I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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