fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I need a burrito and a hug.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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