for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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