I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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