Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
