wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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