They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
