No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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