Are we in a gay sports bar?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
