This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
