I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
