he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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