ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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