My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I supernannyed him into submission
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
