as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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