I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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