Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
