moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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