I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
