Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
