You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
