you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
