I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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