I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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