i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
