omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
