im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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