Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
