Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
