I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
