The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
