Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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