sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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