I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
