I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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